Beautiful people do not just happen.

i dont know whether i should write this.
i'm not sure. whether it gona make me look stupid. or overreacted. or just plain stupid.

blog i. biar la i nak royan ke, nak tulis suicide notes ke apa. kann.

it has been almost 100 days. i kira. from the great brakups with Kay. kerja gila.

well, maybe uols tak faham. about the concept of first true love. the silly promise of "not to love anybody else after him". about other promises.

i've given my all.
being a cook.
a companion.
a good nurse.
a teacher.
a step-mother.
a great pet keeper. yeah. we had cats together.

Marissa marah. with the concept of "keep on looking at his page, DAILY". yes. i miss him. everyday. Marissa tepek kepala i. and said "well its your choice. to delete, or not to delete". betul. its my choice. to forget.

every single moment. is so fresh. from the first meeting. first sight.. till the moment of me walking away. i know i do sound weak. losing my grip. sanity lari habis. but it happens when my head lari from great distractions.

work, is the best distractions.

i think i've been working too much. i did many night shift. double shifts. on-call. house-calls. locums. and i started to bake again. selling pastries for family and friends during bulan puasa haritu. work makes me forget benda2 leceh ni.

and end up im under painkillers. painkillers gona shut down my kidneys sooner or later. renal failure leads to death.

overthinking tetiba.


and for Kay now. gundik baru dia cantik. Markisa kalah dalam bab-bab stylista, ke-SKII-an muka, and tahap kemanjaan.

he doesnt know the beauty itself will hurt him badly than i can do, with my blue paring knife.

OVERRRRRREACTED. ladies. im not that psychotic.

i'm not blaming myself of not being smokin hawt ke apa. but it's a pity. that's always seemed so ridiculous to me, that people want to be around someone because they're pretty. it's like picking your breakfeast cereals based on color instead of taste

again. im not blaming myself tak melaram. i'm a nurse. not a stewardess. like Marissa. yeah she's an ex Malaysian Airlines cabin crew. before she decided gatal nak jadik personal trainer. make-up Marissa semua i la tibai. kikiki

as for Kay now. happy. moved on. apa dia kesah. kan.chill. Markisa royan sekejap ja. lepas amek dadah, Markisa okay. giteww

oscar wilde punya quotes. gini bunyiknya.

"Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping."

you ingat i kerja macam gila carik duit, i nak simpan beli tanah wakaf?
no no no baby.

i nak transform.

young CEO, kerabat raja, crown prince of dubai.

i deserve a young hawt CEO. with good, high class, husband material in him. if look does matter, so be it. 

cuz i know. whenever i feel life sucks, i'd remember i'm going to die someday. and yes baby, i'm gona die in glory. and satisfactions. i can only note that the past is beautiful because one never realises an emotion at the time. it expands later, and thus we don't have complete emotions about the present, only about the past.

the more i royan. the more sane i'd be. the stronger i get.

so girls. no worries. no judgement to be done. its just more like an expression. than a deep depression.

i think i'm changing my field of studies. to forensic science.
shhh. i tak bagitau Ma lagi. Pa mesti tekejut. Marissa takut ulat.

Bulu je tau. hmm.

Strong Love, MarkisaImran

Blessed Ramadhan

omg. kalau blog ni daging fresh.

dah tinggal tulang. ulat pun takdak dah.

lamanya tak update. i busyyyyyy.

busy la sangat.

i'm in my hijrah mode. ramai kawan dah berhijab sekarang. oooops i taknak sentuh bab hijab. nanti kena caras. tunggu i khatam usuluddin & fiqh dulu. dan tasauf. baru i tak tulis benda2 bodoh. baru orang tak bole kitai. hee

anyways. orang puasa. company antar i pegi post basic jejaoh. bangkok ya. land of thai. bukan dekat2 pekan semabok. atau batu pahat tempat Bulu. i think i've lost kilos of my lovely fats semata2 attend kursus buduh tu ja. oh penat.

tiada male nurse hot. ada yennayenni sorang yang bulu dia... macam abang Bachan.


exam nye pass. yay. flying colors. sake kata girls with artificial grey hair has no brain? awassssss ya. exam, exam jugak. orang study, i tengok kungfu panda 2. orang study, i layan Facebook.

fb ni agak puaka ya.

ibarat satu havang taste dan ketak separa bogel baring depan you, pastu senyum. gila buku, pen, liquid paper segala tak dicampak kelaot? oh i tak tahan. begitulah fb begitu dekat dihati i. oh oh loy loy khratong~


orang mesti tanya. kenapa x update pegi solat terawih ka, x bayar fitrah ka, x sedekah jariah, x masok nasyeed peringkat daerah segala. itu urusan i dengan Tuhan i. ingat, women yang baik tidak judge diri theyols baik.

dah nak hujung2 romadhon, baru i update yaa.

semalam i pegi jalan TAR. pegi dengan Marissa. banyaknyaaa. mata keranjang.

bukan nak beli ape sangat pun. pukul dua pagi yaa. masih meriah ala2 baru bukak. baju2 murah. Ma cakap nak tudung. nampak kualiti macam tak helok ja. xpela Ma. nanti kite pegi carik kat Fareeda. bole Ma fefeeling mak datin pagi raya nanti ya.

songket Pa? Pa pakai jubah arab ja pagi raya. pose Sultan Kelantan katanya. zuhud. my oh my.

i sedondon dengan Marissa. kaler pepel. kain beli kat Gulatis. nak tau betapa cunnye weols? tunggu la gamba raya yaa~


buat cookies hey. i dapat less on call bebulan puasa ni. tapi raya i kerja. hmm~


love, MarkisaImran

Transferred. to hell.

boleh tak. i dysmenorrhea today. heavy flow. its like having Tom growling in my uterus and Jerry dalam my fallopian tube. kena dengan i balek pukul 3. tak tunggu, tak pandang belakang, i terus drive balek.

tapi sebelum tu. dalam locker room.

Sister Saodah datang. tapping my shoulder. "Markisa, i rasa you tak lama la sini"

hah dah kenapaa. heels i kah? kaler rambut i kah? x pasal kena fired neh. kena transfer pegi Hospital Gila Tampoi kah? yang lebih sesuai untok i? ke i naek jadik CNO (Chief Nursing Officer)? ke sister saodah mimpi i meninggal lagi 2-3 kali jumaat?

there's a lot of questions lingering in my mind made tu you know. dah la Sister Saodah cakap slow. sangat slow-mo, sampai dalam fractions of second tu i dah jadi paranoid.


"apsal Sister?"

i tengah tanggal sanggul lintang depan cermin locker. sambil-sambil tengok gambar koleksi-koleksi ex i dekat inner side of my locker door. ada 3 bekas jembalang sajork. lambang cinta sejati katanya. habis emua dah kena conteng muka. takda la jalang sangat i ni pun sebenanyaa kann. yang laen semua gambar channing tatum, mcdreamy, mcsteamy, kellan lutz, abang Thor, remy ishak, dan havang Redza, husband Irma Hasmie as my new collection. matilaa. hee

i love your abs. with all my heart.

"next august you'll be transferred" sister saodah cakap english bunyik jawa la.

"transfer mana la sister? i did apply for transfer. tiga tempat. emergency, daycare ngan cathlab. i dapat mana sister?"


"nah ko bace la sendirik" choyyy. tadi punya la saspen nak bagitahu. tepuk kepala karang.

i thanked sister. and she walk away. with jalan yang penoh attitude. i didn't noticed rambut dia serabai today. its like she just habis having sex with Dr Shiva. yang dia adore sangat tu. sebab muka macam Amitabh Bachan. bitch, please.


"Markisa Binti Ahmad Imran, hereby you'll be transferred to INTENSIVE CARE UNIT bla bla bla starting from 1st of September 2012".- simplified.

i was like. mintak lain, dapat lain. are you freaking kidding me? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING MEEEEEE?! ICU???!!!!

my dream of settling down, duduk lepak kat daycare, cathlab, balek from 9-5 hancur. i rasa nak hantuk kepala dekat locker. i should have stay je dekat ward without mintak transfer. tapi, sebab i classy, i takde la hantuk.

i called Marissa instead. lepastu i called Bulu. lepastu whatsapp Kavi.

semua cakap "You'll be fine"

fukimawati yaa yuols.

i called Ma. lepastu Pa jadik mangsa.

Ma suruh try dulu. suara Ma memang pengubat. sakit ape sekali pun sembuh. betul2 punca syurga.

nanti nak tanya HR. who's the asshole yang messed up with my application neh. dasar sabotaj.

i end up keluar from the hospital around 4pm. jalan jem yaa.


sesampai rumah. dengan uniform2, dengan socks2, i terus terjon tesembam atas my bed.

Cik Saerah tukar cadar takbest. she's our house keeper. dating daily to kemas rumah and everything. Ma do the cooking while she buat everything. but she didn't live with us. rumah dia dekat je.

cadar baru. miang sikit.
but then, i golek2. lelap terus.


Ma kejut. taruk kucing on my head.

"pukul berapa ni Maaaaaaa.." i yawned.

"6.30. jom pegi pasar malam. Ma malas masak malam ni. Pa suroh beli ayam goreng uncle bob la, char kueteow la, kuih akok laa.."

"motif kejot Kisa pakai kucing?" i ikat rambut. masuk2 mulut dah rambut.


"saja. i was thinking about a water spray. tapi i takot you suffocates. nanti tinggal Marissa sorang je anak Ma" selamba. "cepat sikit siap" she added. eleh. dia pun pakai baju kelawar lagi.

half an hour. is all i need.
takda la propa sangat nak dressed up. mandi. pakai baju. pasar malam je pun.

i grabbed my black legging. my pink gym tank top. and my black cardigan labuh.
period pain kurang. maybe i memang tak cukup rest.

...


end up borong macam2.

Pa balik. i showed him my transfer letter. he said "you'll be fine" too.

i end up biar je. malas nak fikir.
was watching insidious movie for kali ke berapa ntah.
Ma memang propa tutup2 muka dengan kain pelikat Pa. romantic hey? GET A ROOM!

Marissa tak balek lagi. hadup mati dia i tak tahu.
tapi macam biasa, twitternya jalan laju je. hidup lah tuu.




like really? ICU....
cane nak carik bf nehh...

husband-material. if you know what i mean. :p

love, MarkisaImran

The Sexual Harassment of Dato' Z: Part 3 - drastic end

i went for a manicure and pedicure today. sorang. dekat Lembah Tengah. i kerja syif malam. so petang-petang i tak kuasa la nak tidur dulu ke, melepek depan TV while doing nothing. my back hurts bila baring lama-lama.

i wore a skinny jeans. plain pink tees with some red stripes. my lovely gladiator flats. necklace Kay bagi. Marissa cuckup menyampah i pakai pendant tu. but it goes well with my hair. harini takmau ikat. i lepas je.

oh teringat Kay dah add i balek dekat Facebook. you're so immature. playing hide and seek yaa. i'm not interested in your game. so i campak dia dalam pending list. horny lah tu.

so yeah. pergi kedai cina biasa dekat 4th floor depan kedai Hinode.

"hai. i nak buat my nails. Margie ada?"

Margie tu filipinos. kerja bagus. bersih. tak macam jinjang2 yang ada. masing2 kuku syaithonnn panjang. i geli bleh? korek2 hidung, selet2 tahi berak pakai tisu ja. i tak boleh. eventhough i kerja buat benda-benda tu, tapi... ugh. u know what i mean.


"halo amoi. Margie takda. sulah balek firipin. lai la. i do you good oso meh"

tetau je amoi jinjang neh i takmau dia buat. ngan rambut karat dengan fringe. dengan piercing. dengan tank-tube. tapi tetek takda. aaaa shibuya-doll yang epic failed.

buat lah. i tutup mata je. cepat-cepat buat. cepat-cepat habis.

Auntie Chom kata nak datang malam ni. bawak cucu dia. Aunti Chom tu Ma punye elder sister. kaki cikpat. semua orang tak betul. soalan yang common bila jumpa i "bila nak kawen". i fakap. tu sebab i mintak Sister kerja syif malam ni. a sweet escape.

"amoi, mau buat color kuku tak? ada promotion hari ini ya"

i was thinking my period's gona end dalam 2-3 hari lagi. tak sempat nanti kena bleach pulak.

"takmau. polish je sampai kilat"

"fish spa takmau ah amoi?" dia tanya lagi.

"TAKMAU. geli." teros i bukak magazine. tak layan. semua nak promot pulak aihhh.

kuat bau colok. ngan telur pindang. ngan bau ginseng. i gesek hidung sampai merah-merah. i think my toner dah lari. nampak macam berpanau. i need to touch up later.

i dapat msg whatsapp from SN Kavi.

"hey babe. your dato' gatal dead oredy. Dr Killer killed him! with a lung biopsy!"

i was like.
innalillah?

maut datang tak kenal waktu. never terlambat. never tercepat.
dalam my mind, still teringat Dato' tu gulung2 misai dia sambil tengok i. lalu belakang i, siap bau2 rambut i. nightmare. banyak lagi. i takmau aib lebih.

i keluarkan a flattened dull smile. angkat bahu. roll my eyes.

then i pergi beli takoyaki dekat Jusco bawah. sesambil cuci mata tengok ah seng comel dekat booth kedai camera. hik.


MAAAAAAAAAROBBUKAAAAAA YAAA DATOKKKKKKK. GEDEBAKKKKK!!! bleh?


love, MarkisaImran.

The Sexual Harassment of Dato' Z: Part 2 - cobaan pertama

all depression has its root in self-pity.
and all self-pity is rooted in people taking themselves too seriously.

maaf lama tak nulis.
banyak kerja. komitmen. post-basic exam.
mungkin i kena transfer pergi ICU. hidup dalam private sector memang macam bola. kena tendang tanduk segala.

seminggu i tak naik ward. seminggu juga macam jumpa tak jumpa Marissa. balik rumah Ma dah tidur, keluar rumah, Ma dah keluar. Pa pun sama.

i feel older than my age. tengok cermin. ada kedut2 mata. and eye bags MasyaAllah. panda.

kerja emergency lagi harini.
naek ward to send some GL and stuffs.


i heard someone suwit2. you know how it sounds like kan? ala masa sekolah2 dulu macam tak pernah kena suwit2. ke you tak hot enough? hihi.

i toleh.

hamagad. Dato Z. tengah urut urut janggut.

"Hai misi. lama tak jumpa. i selalu turun bawah cari you. tak jumpa. mana pergi?"

SN Kavi pandang i yang tengah buat2 pekak. "shhh Kavi jangan sebok" i bisik.
Kavi senyum. putihnyaa gigi.

i senyum. tak reply.

"balik sabah yaa?" dato's tanya. elok je dia dudok dekat waiting lounge denga drip2 tu.

I BUKAN ORANG SABAH LA. i pinoy ja. BLEH.


"ada la datok. busy sikit" i jawab. dengan kening sebelah diangkat.

i nampak bodyguard dia ada dekat sebelah. pandang2. cucuk mata ngan needle 25G karang. takpasal.

tiba2 dato' jerit. dah kenapa plak kann. i tengok tangan dia bleed. branula tecabot.
i rasa dia saje2 cabot.

"misi! meh sini! tolong!" bodyguard dia panggil i suroh tengok. sama je gatal.


sorry i tak kerja sini. i kerja Emergency. BOLEH?

i panggel Kavi the Black Widow.

Dato' cebik bibir. sebab Kavi yang repair branula dia. ehh i tak kuasa la?




yes. Kavi cakap dia saja2 cabut. sebab nak suruh i datang dekat.
takpe. lain kali, i panggel Sister Saodah pasang branula baru. baru dia tau kenapa Sister Saodah kawen 3-4 kali.


dear Dato'. lung cancer dah merebak yaa. ingat2 kubur please.

i kerja double harini. nak makan kambing. nak nak. lambchops ya Marissa.

The Sexual Harassment of Dato' Z: Part 1

i tengah mengelamun. dekat nurse counter. harini dok Emergency Department lagi. i rasa baek bos bagi i kekal dudok sini ja.

Sister Salbiah datang tekedek2. sakit lutut gamaknya orang tua ni. dah agak dah. sanggup datang jejauh dari Daycare Clinic ni. mesti nak...

"Kisa! Kak Biah datangggggg!" tebiat orang tua ni. dia agak bimbo juga. macam teletubbies.

"Kisa.. harini gaji kann..." Sister Salbiah berkias.

"Ye sister. Kisa pahamm. tapi tak cucuk duit lagi. petang nanti Kisa singgah Daycare Clinic boleh?" i explain. 

Sister Salbiah cebik muka. betambah buruk. lol.

"ala sister. jangan gitu. Kisa janji. masa lunch ok" i pujuk.

oh. bulan ni turn dia dapat duit kutu. banyak juga. satu kepala 500. 6 kepala dah 3000. sapa takmau? 

sister angguk. lepastu blah. maybe pegi kutip dekat ahli2 kutu yang laen. kalau tak main kutu ni, i memang sah-sah la tak menyimpan. habis keluar duit, bukan macam air mengalir dah. macam air keluar masa orgasm ok. lucahhhnyaa

harini tak busy.

ada sorang patient Dato' gatal nak mampos je. Datok Z (bukan nama sebenar ya). kann. dengan bodyguard takmo pisah. dengan bodyguard2 sanggup kena radiation masa buat CT scan. adelah sangat bangang disitu, sanggup mati sel sperma demi tuan tercinta dengan gaji yang tak seberapa.

"you cantik. orang sabah eh? dah kawin?". i senyum. apsal sabah? kenapa tak kelantan? muka kadazandusun ke i?

"dah kawin dato'" i malas nak menjalang. buruk. bau rokok. and ada lung mass dalam paru2 dia. i harap2 sangat its a cancer. 

i dengar dia bisik ngan bodyguard dia. "hmm boleh main ni. sedap"

i was like.

tua kutuk.

i cepat2kan admit dia pergi ward. biar staff nurse ward pulak jadi mangsa rogol imaginary dia. blerghh. kalau Datin tau, mesti Datin sedih. aaaaaaada i kesah?

i habis syif pukul lima. Marissa janji nak pergi pasar malam sama-sama dengan i. kalau Ma ada kat rumah, angkut sekali. so Ma tak payah masak.

i nak carik Lompat Tikam ngan laksam.

love, MarkisaImran.

Chronology of Kak Engku Nora

"Kisa, you tengok gegambar ex you pergi vacation ni. tengok la tengok la" Marissa tunjuk phone dia.

i tediam. gamam. sikit surprised. Kay pegi vacation? post breakup pegi vacation? hebat jantan ittew.

i, Marissa dengan Kak Engku tetengah duduk melayan Pavlova dekat Alexis. jarang dapat jumpa Kak Engku. orang panggil Nora. nama penuh Nor Azimah binti Kahar. Kak Engku tu title sajork. tanda respect dekat warga emas yang berjaya. self-motivation untuk i.

macam i, still pangkat 'little princess' lagi. hik.

she's a successful strong women. after kena cerai with her hubby, i tengok makin strong. cekal dalam hidup. janda. anak takdak. tapi semua benda lain dia ada. ape nak kesah kan? umur lagi kertu dari i. tapi muka, dressing, vouge. rambut senget. fefeeling rihanna.

elok2 lepas buat rambut, Marissa jumpa dia kat gym, ajak makan sekali. orang tua tu high taste. in sense of fashion. food. kerja. bab2 pergi vacation. taste in Men. superb. classy. mak hayam kelas bangsawan. gila tak kenal Kak Engku Nora?

"MARISSA!" Mak Engku Nora sikit jerit. tekedu waiter bangla yang baru kena marah ngan Kak Engku tadi, sebab tak repeat order. tak ngikut SOP katanya. kesian. kalau Kak Engku jadik bos dia, mau kena seksa zahir batin.

"ni yang aku tak bekenan ni. ko tau Kisa baru lepas breakup. idah tak abes lagi. kalau boyfren dia mati, tanah kubur tak kering lagi ok. kau pegi cucuh balek budak ni kenapa?! kesian dia. heyyyyyyy tak pahammmm aku". kak Engku silang tangan kat dada. muka serius. mendongak angkat dagu. nampak kedut2 Kak Nita. serum plasenta biri-biri + vitamin C + skin treatment hari2, tak bekesan kat kulit leher meh? lol. sila pakai turtle neck next time. matilaaa carot Kak Engku.

i diam ja. sesambil belek-belek gambar Kay. jantan tak guna ittew. sesambil nyuap kek ke mulut. dia block i from facebook. tu sebab i tak bole view/stalk dia. eh buat apa nak stalk dia pun. i left him. he's the one yang patut i yang block. well well well. men with middle age crisis perhaps.

but i wonder why dia tak block Marissa.

"ala Kak Engku. Kisa ok" i smile. buat muka innocent.

"ala ko jangan nak menipu aku la. aku terrrajang karang".

eleh nak terajang orang. kaki ade gout.
ada hati yaa.

"ala. tak sedeh ape pon. Rissa nak tunjuk Kisa yang dia happy. so Kisa tak payah la sedeh2" Marissa nyampuk.

"ko nampak garfu ni? skali aku cocok, x pasal. hah, ni la budak2 skarang,bla bla bla bla..." Kak Engku pot pet pot pet. bangla yang kene marah tu macam da tak brani nak datang sini dah. pandang je tengok kak engku bebel. pre menopos sangat Kak Engku harini.

"provokasi! jangan buat depan akak lagi!'

Marissa gulung gulung rambut baru i. sambil tengok muka i.

"oh dia happy sekarang. i pon happy. ada uols semua support"

Kak Engku cebik muka. jeling i.

"Kak Engku jangan buat muka ketat sangat la. no big deal punn" i cakap.

"kalau suka, pandang. kalau tak suka kalih tempat lain." attittude. Marissa tahan gelak.

brape kali daaa Kak Engku kena main ngan laki ni. im so sure she's not like this before. mesti innocent ja. sampai jantan tu pijak kepala. kalau tak, takkan sampai menyinga macam sekarang.

i decided. i need a vacation too perhaps. ajak Marissa pergi Cameron Highland sudah. or Pantai Klebang.


i habiskan the dessert cepat-cepat.
ooh balik. besok kerja pagi-pagi oi.


Love, Markisa Imran.

Makeover: Part 2

i woke up.

i raba-raba carik jam tangan Michael Kors i. sebab jam loceng i dah baling kucing sebab cirit atas my bedsheet. tapi tak kena kucing. kena my wardrobe instead. tebelah dua jam Hello Kitty ittew.

its almost 2pm. and kepala berat..

i lapar. Marissa kat gym lagi. ajak dinner. DINNER YAA. dekat Lembah Tengah. i tak suka makan dekat Lembah Tengah. i ajak makan kat Taman instead. i belom even makan my lunch yet. so i pegi McDonalds dekat cheras ni. i makan bubur sajork. epic fail number one. cuba nak elak fastfood. i makan nasik instead. fuck my life.

i drove around. i think i'm gona color my hair again. step one of the makeover. asalnya memang la brunette. obsessive untok fefeeling silly blonde tak ada. saja nak tukar2.

my bos, one of the old Nursing Supervisor tak bagi. tua kutuk tu cakap tak professional. fefeeling pelacur. indirectly. i tampar skali baru tau. CEO weols rambut merah ok? and takde maknenye rambut natural nyonya jinjang-kepong warna merah. dengan CEO2 tu i tampar kalau pecat i sebab kaler rambut. tak pasal.



i parked dekat U punya tempat parking. macam haram yaa parking tetengah hari.

i pakai kasut. harini nak pakai gladiator hazab. Kak Bibah beli dekat Rome. kirim. nak pegi sendiri tak lepas. takdak TanSri lagi nak speedo.

i memang drive barefoot. sebab i bole tau brape 'dalam' minyak i tekan. lol. eh biar la? penah ok i pakai heels, pastu sangkut dekat brake pedal. mengaum kejap. dekat traffic light.

i pegi dekat salon rambut ni. takdela cantik mana. selalu dekat KLCC. tapi harini nak curr dengan Marissa. sempat kut.


"Halo madam! welcome. haircut? wash? highlights? extension?" ada hadek2 approach.


"skius me? MISS. bukan madam." i roll my eyes. period.

dia sengeh. ada amoi rambut pacak datang tolak tepi hadek2 tu. budak baru agaknya. promosi macam rumah urut kaki dekat Changkat Bukit Bintang.


"yes Miss, can i help you?"


"color. cut. PROFESSIONAL. junior xnak." boleh? i jawab. dia tunjuk tempat duduk. i duduk la. dia tarok chinese tea. maen2 selak2 rambut.

skali ada Ah Seng datang. hamagad. meremvess.

"Aaron?" i tegur.

"skius me?" dia jawab.

"no. your face. like Aaron Kwok". he smiled. i bet dah banyak bitches told him the same.

i belek the catalogue. sesambil mata menjalang everywhere. nyonya depan buat perming. pondan on my left buat treatment. and my right ada abang kepala pulau. tah stail apa yang dia nak potong pon i taktau.

i tunjuk kat 1 sample. I'm going ash grey this time.

Marissa mesti tekejut beruk. Ma mesti tak bagi balik rumah slagi rambut tak itam.

"leng lui. mau potong rambut?" maybe dia tengok rambut i panjang.

"maybe. hmm. maybe not." no no. nanti tak bole libas2 muka orang.

habis. kena tarah beberapa rat. sekali i nengok depan cermin, macam Tilda Swinton yang actress cerita Narnia yang belakon jadik White Witch tu. what ev~


sesambil duduk tunggu Marissa, i duduk dekat MooCow makan frozen yoghurt. i prefer TuttiFrutti lagi.

i belek2 brochure gym yang Marissa bagi. like seriously i'm gona do this shit? i takut sebulan dua je. pastu nan hado.

mahal la. i can get new shoes every month with that price of gym membership. or i bole makan TGI Fridays few times dengan Ma.


should i?


havang2 gym are worth to watch, worth to touch.



Love, MarkisaImran.

Makeover: Part 1

its 10am in the morning.

i tak keluar awal. cuz i know some marathon thingies is going on through the city centre. jalan tutup here and there. i don't do marathon. i might be participate in first aid team. or join amoi2 yang passing-passing drinking water tu. cuci mata pun ya. tengok bebola abang runner berayun. snap snap. mampu?

i had 2 banana and some tea. i can't tolerate caffeine anymore. gives me massive headache. and its so gona rosakkan my precious Sunday.

i'm so going to the gym today. Marissa cakap body i tak proportioned. tetek besar. bontot takda. i punya la bediri depan cermin. ada la dalam 400-500 kali posing. iya jugak. kaki i macam buluh. kalau kene langgar, senang2 je i jadik macam Manisha Koirala dalam cerita 'Mann'.

kenapa eh?

i bukan duduk ngangkang sajork keje nya. kerja type yang jalan sana sini. kaki TETAP takde shape pun. perlu kah i call Kevin Zahri untuk problem ni? i call dia melarat ke bende lain karang. kann.

"come la join the gym. you'll possessed legs like mine in a jiffy" Marissa show off.

i said no. not yet. months ago. and now I'm regretting it. LEPASNI NAK PAKAI JUBAH+BURQA JA! tutu semua! mandi dekat swimming pool pon pakai Burqini instead of bikinis! ttibe.

i sampai rumah.

Ma takda. Pa lagi la takda. kucing je ada.

masuk bilik. lock the door.

i strip over.
depan cermin. tengok lagi skali.

i can pull out my tummy. 2-3 cm protrudes out.
my boobs and my pectorals muscle takdak tone. push-up bras do all the tricks.
flat ass.
skinny leg. hairy. i need waxing. immediately.
pouchbags. under my arms.

berjangkit. mata starts scanning my whole body. pushing-pusing. blaming myself. kenapa ex boyfriend cari lain. kenapa takda orang dekat. tipu lah kalau kata 'takda kena mengena dengan physical attractions'. mengarut. its all about physical baby.

my hair. tah jadi pesen apa tah.
my eyebags.
kening besepah.
kaki busuk. pakai rubber shoes lama sangat.
i smell macam Dettol antiseptic all the time.


i weight myself. plus 2 kg. i tap my head. slightly kick the penimbang away. then i timbang again. just to make sure.

26, ugly, and forever alone. i can't complain much. its my fault. i aint obsess to be cantik pun. tapi bila dah macam ni. nak nanges.

i baca some article, a wife yang struggling to look good. for her husband. beli susu macam2. beli corset ribu2. turn 5 kilo. tup tup tau husband dah kawin laen. sial ek?

makeover, starts now.
Marissa, i need your mulut puaka to challenge me to do all those shits and stuff. untok i konfiden catwalk depan Pavilion TOPLESS.




Love, MarkisaImran.

Datin Munah: Obsessive-ness of Datin Bimbo

i kene tendang pegi Emergency Department lagi harini. sebab tak enough staff.

a patient. datang. unusual nausea. pening kepala. rebahhh kat rumah. datang. MO bengon hantar for CT scan. fucking fussy. tak boleh gerak lepas baring atas trolley. nak alih alih kena pakai padslide. kencing kat bedpan. haus. lapar.

"Miss, can i get your last day of your perid date please. before we proceed the scan" technologist tanya.

"im not sure. i had an intercourse 3 days a week. and my last period is about 4 weeks ago"

i was like, 3 days a week. and she's 48 yrs old. impressive. its like doing marathon 3 days a week. tapi saket kepala sikit dah paralyze. makan babi banyak sangat ni.

SN Mila dah cubit2 tangan i. annoyed dengan that patient. "i wish she's really pregnant. nanti anak masok umur highschool, umur dia dekat-dekat nak mati" Mila carot.

i smiled. 1st day period today. malas nak banyak cakap. i need to sit. i got a text message.

"Hello Markisa. jom pegi lunch today?"

from Datin Munah.

"sorry i buat double syif today. tak cukup orang" simple. pastu she call few times. showing some true possessive element there. i didnt answer.

"Datin, i'm on duty now. sorry". i off my phone. gila.

i sat in the oncall room. breathless. i saw some blood drops on my shoes. i wipe it with some alcohol swap. then i tepandang the bed. teringat Dr Nua. i senyum gatal. i miss him. like hell. but he's out of the country. doing some shit and stuff kat seberang. whatever.

Marissa message. ajak makan satay tonight. i wish i can. "Sorry babe. i curr double tonight. carik duit for New Zealand trip next year. i hope Maori's dick are worth await."

Marissa send a pic message. half of her boob. with a smiley. gila.

...


its 10.35pm. patient in an out ramai2 buat masa jadi sekejap. i switch on my phone. 14 misscalls. separoh dari Datin Bimbo. few from bakri. i ignored em. tanak tanak tanak. bodoh punya olang tak paham bahasa.

i skipped my dinner. i suruh budak porter beli burger gerai. teringin. haram jadah tak nampak sampai la ni. i makan Tiger Biscuit Dr Prema punya. the only MO yang suke sedekah jariah kat staff. walapon biskot. MO laen? makan staff punya lagi ada. potong konek la kalau theyolls contribute something, selain dari nurses day. tu pun weols kene buat muka mintak sedekah.

i dont know. something wrong with the air cond tonight. panas. or its just me.

i tukar kasut terus. so flat rubber shoes. jari-jari i cant feel anything. numb. and it smells funny. i should beli that colored crystal kat Watson for rendam kaki. to kurangkan bau kaki of course. lol. kalau tenyeh kat muka Dr Azam sedap neh. foot fetish. kann~

i got message from Bulu. my good friend. he's a sonographer. working dekat hospital gomen.

"hey Kisa, aku ada kat kedai Kak Tijah ni. dah makan? aku beli"

"nak. u datang sorang?" i tanya. tebiat ka Bulu datang offer makanan.

"aku with someone. bawak dia makan sini". Bulu adelah romeo. konsep percintaan dia adalah [Hubungan mesti tak lebih dari 2 minggu]. tapi dia jenis hangover. bukan main puki sangat pun.

"tapau. aku tunggu depan mortuary macam biasa" i sakat.

"jangan la doh. kang taktau tu ko yang betul ke tidak" Bulu bising. kecoh.

"tempat biasa" i reply. ok dapat nasik lemak tonight. dandan nak puasa besok, vagina bleed pulak. kalau hari2 camni, orang panggil i 'Bedebah Noor' instead.


lonely. makan nasik lemak dalam pantry sorang2. Sister tido atas sofa bedengkur macam babi. kepala mendongak. hidong kembang kuncup lagi menyerlahkan kebabian. kan. bising je.

i tengok gambar2 lama. with my ex. merembes air mata. sesambil makan nasik lemak tu. tak ke sedehhh & patheticnye i. i called Marissa. HARAPAN nak tenang n pujuk i. kene carot lagi ada. tanak kawan Marissa 2 menet.



Love, MarkisaImran

Datin Munah: Prelude of Bakri the Asshole

i was having breakfast. before i pegi kerja. ada lepat labu. mesti Makcik Ghulam depan umah bagi ni. slalu bagi kuih2 lebih tak abes jual. nasib baik sedap. some snow flower tea.

"Datin Munah datang nak apa smalam? dari tengah hari stay sini. rumah dia takde air ke?" i tanya Ma.

Ma senyum senget sebelah. macam ada Bel's Palsy. sanggul rambut Ma longgar.

"takdela. ajak sembang je. ala hal makcik-makcik" Ma jawab tengah2 susun pinggan dalam dishwasher.

"anak jantan dia pun dari siang2 lagi da datang?" with nada annoying. plus sarcastic.

"Bakri? takdela. dia datang lepas maghrib. amek mama dia balik". Ma macam malas nak layan.

mesti ada sumthing ni. fishy.


...


Ma jumpa Datin Munah lama dah. masa zaman i highschool. dekat some event kat Penang. masa tu husband dia belum gol lagi. Dato' ape tah nama. lupa. then bila husband dia dapat heart attack. dramatically, on his second wedding with second wife, Datin Munah betambah2 kaya claim insurance money. so Dato' mati ke hidup balk ke, i don't think it would make any differences.

Bakri sebaya Marissa. businessman. spoiled. anak sorang. apa nak, dapat. kaki betina. i rasa maybe dia ada HIV. or Herpes. i rasa la. muka ala2 Hans Isaac. tapi huduh lagi. ala ala level bawah tapak kaki Hans Isaac.

banyak kali dah cobaan nak kenen2 kat i. like seriously, i cakap kat Ma, i taknak. i rela kawen ngan arwah Dato' comparing ngan anak dia. Ma pon paham. kot. tapi sampai la ni, layan jugak? takde bohsia laen ke nak carik? IM FUCKIN EXPENSIVE. tak boleh dibeli2. unless Pangeran Muda Brunei Darussalam nak masok line. i on. hee

minimum physical mesti macam ni. yummeh.

salam tangan Ma. i cakap i balik lambat today. Marissa dah pegi jog kat mana tah. pegi keje. tetengah drive, i teringat cobaan Bakri ngorat i. yeah. we used to went out. once.

...

it was a a dinner. yang di-set up by that Datin bimbo.

"i tak bole la tak makan steak ngan wine. i hope u don't mind" Bakri bangga minum air setan.
"oh its fine. i minum ribena je. hope u don't mind too" saja carrot.

i tak suka orang cakap besar. ada itu. ada ini. i bet he got a small dick, with bulu macam pokok2 serai, with big appetite. cakap pasal business, his ex, his Datin Munah fabulous life, etcetera etcetera.

dude, please. i'm trying to enjoy my steak. shut the fuck up?

i jeling-jeling. buat-buat message orang, padahal main angrybird.

then keluar. jejalan la konon. teserempak ngan betina mana tah "Bakri!" pompuan tu jerit.
si jantan ni tehegeh2 la lambai2 peluk2 and yes, comolot.

oh pompuan from Lebanon. again, i lupa nama dia. dressing macam placur. fefeeling couture.

bakri kenalkan, kawan clubbing dia. i was like, bitch please. you yang infect Bakri ngan your herpes from pepet you yang kotor tu kan? i smiled. and keep on diam.

lepastu pompuan tu ajak pegi to the nearby bar. dekat Changkat Bukit Bintang. Bakri ajak. i geleng kepala. i said i ngantuk. and tired. memang tired pon.

and then.



"ok you bole drive kan? you balek dulu lah. i'm abit tipsy" he give me his car key.

i was like. .... .... .... .... .... ....


"takpelah. Marissa's nearby. she'll fetch me home" i waved goodbye. and jalan.

he walk away to the pub with that GRO. gelak-gelak. peluk-peluk.



i bukak my handbag. and,
"KIMAKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!" i jerit dalam handbag.

orang pandang. i buat-buat bimbo. i betulkan my hair. then i continue walking.


lepastu i balek naek Tren. sial kan. sial. sial. sial. sial punya jantan.
then dia ajak date, manjang je i cakap no.

....


oh tengok-tengok dah sampai hospital. tak jem.



to be continued...

Datin Munah: Mukaddimah

ugh. i wasn't suppose to work today. but i buat locum (part time) dekat Emergency Department. in the Yellow Zone. i pakai heels today. nampak tinggi sikit. sebab i start my shift at seven. and i'll finish at three in the noon. then i buleh tukar to my sandal saja.

i got message from Ma.

"Datin Munah datang today. bawak nasik arab. kalau boleh, balik awal. makan sekali"

ugh that Datin. kalau Datok mati still bawak title 'Datin' meh? bimbo me.

i tak reply. ampun, i'm so busy Ma. i bukan keje ofis ya. dudok dalam ekon, kangkang depan bos. Dr Azam the stupid doctor keep asking me doing unnecessary things. semua pompuan yang saket perot, hantar x-ray, ultrasound. end up normal. perot penuh tahi. amek blood. anta sample. anta patient pergi ward. he's clumsy. killed a few patients sebab lembab nak mampos. set IV line pegang-pegang tangan i. mamak tak sedar diri.

i miss Dr Matt. And Dr Nua. dirty threesome in my mind when they're around. Dr Matt is more like a best friend. but Dr Nua is... la la la. on-call room jadi saksi. matilaa~

i had some yoghurt. Sister Saodah dekat triage. front counter. so dia tak kacau i today. kalau tak, lagi macam harom. i ingat i gadoh dengan that stupid bitch dulu. she lost the sample, and tuduh i. end up dia yang misplace sample dalam office dia. tak pasal kene stupid ngan i. nyanyok tak pasal. brani dia kan?

kalau masa muda, sister ni i bayangkan muka dia sebijik macam Najwa Latip. hidung jambu air. R&R tapah mari. sial kan mulut i?

then i dapat message from Marissa "HOI POMPUAN! DATIN GILA DATANG RUMAH. i wish Ma and Pa tak kena stroke!"

i replied "HOIH MULUT. yeah i know. Ma message me earlier. apa dia nak? siap bawak nasik arab"

"you lah!" Marissa jawab pendek.

"did she bring along her son yang asshole tu?" i replied.

"mana i tau. go la balik"

"MARISSA! WE GOT A MOVIE TO CATCH TONIGHT! I DONT WANNA GO HOME AND JUMPA THAT ASS!" sekali caps lock phone i orgasm.

"oh. lupa. i booked oredy. don't be late. otherwise i'll send you pic yang topless tu. to that ass. biar dia masturbate tengok"

i send her a picture message. a picture of my middle finger.


...


i finish my chores. handling the remaining cases to the noon shift nurse. ugh. male nurse kat emergency tak taste. dekat operation room lagi taste. looking hot in scrub suit.

"Kisa, nasik lemak ko tak makan?" SN Cassandra tanya.
"takmo. see my muffin tops?" i selak baju tunjuk perut.

SN Cassandra senyum. orang Philippinos. pandai cakap melayu. cantik. tapi pendek. slalu i suruh dia kenalkan hot2 Pinoy kat i. kikikiki


i left my car dekat hospital. i took the train to the City Centre. Marissa abes classes at 3. movie at 5.30. sempat. more convenient amek train. kalau i pakai my car, traffic memang memantat tengah2 hari ni. i tak faham why.

i took the train. ugh. banyak mamat indon. bau gudang garam! bluwekk. teringat i jerit kat dalam tren. mase naek ngan my goodfriend, "ada bau mayat tak?". kenapa? that guy in front of me try to tunjuk his biceps sesambil pegang tiang tren, while tshirt bawah ketiak basah, and yes. he's in need of pewangi jenazah immediately.


panas today. but no more haze. i met Marissa. "hey pompuan! tutup pusat bekerak!" i sikit yelled. pakai baju amoi sungei wang plaza singkat singkat.

"ahh shadap! i pakai cardigan nanti sejuk dalam cinema." she tak wear makeup. but she looks decent. she's ugly kalau over makeup. slalu kene carot ngan i.

Marissa hands on her phone. "see your ex. pegi melancong lagi. sakan kat instagram"

"Marissa? why are you doing this to me?" i buat muka serius. tangan naek macam nak tampar.

Marissa ngade elak-elak. people around us tengok. tengok la. bukan kene bayar. kikikiki


she just angkat bahu. showing 'well he's happy without you bitch'.


i malas nak fikir. i'm living my fab life now. we had lunch together and movie.

then balek. almost nine pm.

"erk... keta pompuan gila tu still ada kat rumah! tido sini ke what?" i yelled. tutup muka with bantal merah yg Marissa beli kat ikea. bau kepam. i bet there's a DNA stain on that cushion.

"jom carik hotel!" Marissa selamba badak.

"tak boleh. Ma risau nanti. i bole cakap i on-call. you tak boleh! nanti bising!"

we went in. sneaking macam perompak. jengket-jengket.

i saw Ma, Pa, Datin Munah and her son, Bakri. we both smile. salam. and leave masuk bilk. i saw Bakri pandang macam Abang Dollah si pak guard punya pandang. maybe he already raped me and Marissa in his dirty little mind.

"eh tak balik lagi Datin?" i tanya. i nak sambung 'datin tido sini? takde rumah ke? harta datok dah kene telan bumi ke?' tapi Ma dah jeling. rolling eyes. i paham. kalau nak kene tampar, cakap.



... sape Datin tua kutuk ittew? sapa Bakri? ape yang jadik kat on-call room ngan Dr Nua?

to be continued...

D8- Part 2

baru je i park kereta. the phone rang. Call Me Maybe ringtone.

that dude "i meet u upstairs. Celadon. gotta get something"

i was like. THAI FOOD? this gotta be messy. i suck sikit pakai sudu garfu, with manners. kalau pegi ngan Marissa, jam tangan, bangles, cincin semua bukak. macam nak lapah kerbau. but yeah. i doa-doa. jangan those food hidup balik, sudah.

i walk around. slow. pergi ladies dulu. check apa yang patut.


then i walk to Celadon. i saw a dude. standing. white shirt. leather jacket. jeans. sneakers. ugh. goatee. i  raped him in my imagination already. silly me.


"Hello. I'm Esfahan. you Markisa?"

"Hello Esfahan. no. i'm Katy Perry" i buat bimbo.

ada petua. kalau dia melayan kebimboan ini, maknanya dia pun sepisis kepala masuk air jugak. kalau senyum sinis, being serious, or being sarcastic, almaknanya, tu la casual meeting yang first and the last.

he smiled anyway. GOD. comel gila. 

muka adek2 la pulak. kalau bediri sebelah mesti orang cakap "handsome la adik you. single?". oh tak rela.

Marissa mesti cakap "you're so gona be the top". sial ek. but its so true. kikikikiki.

we ate. chat here and there. nothing impressive. he looks shy. i yang banyak mulakan cakap. bout work, family, interests etc. we walk out from Celadon.

"Jom makan icecream?" he tunjuk BaskinRobbins

he got a sexy ass. and manboobs. tetibe. my eyes suddenly macama ada X-ray tembus celah-celah baju jejanz sorang ni. i was distracted. and he smells good too. we're fuckin again. in my imagination. BLEH!

'OK boleh" i replied.

i pick the raspberry sorbet. he took some caramel macadamia thingies. with extra nuts.

"i bought you something" he said.

i angkat kening. buat2 surprise. i saw he took out something from his red Puma bagpack.

a red Swatch. "Marissa cakap u suka watch and shoes. i taktau u pakai kasut size apa. so i bought you this"

"erm. i don't take gift on the 1st meeting. its the sign of bad luck for me." i looked at him.

he look down. ke arah jam yang dia nak hulur. "ermm. then don't take this a gift. take it as.. an appreciation. for sudi keluar dengan i"

"ok!" i amek and masukkan cepat2 dalam clutch bag. saje-saje buat clumsy bimbo lagi. to see whats his reaction.

he smiled. wow not bad.


then something spoiled the moment.



"wanna lepak my house? teman i tengok DVD?... and i see you love ice creams. i got some at home.."

ok. total failure disitu.

i tau you nak buat DVD recording. bukan semata-mata nak watch DVD. sucinya muka, tapi pervert. i pervert jugak. tapi i siap-siap rape dia in my imagination sajork. takde lah sampai bawak balik rumah. and those DVD trick is so lame. ingat i  ni just plain Cikaro? horny sangat? easily jatuh dekat such beautiful face? wrong. epic wrong.

"if you don't mind..." he insisted.

"i do mind actually" i replied.

"i drove here. and i'll be working tomorrow early in the morning. tak bole ya? sorry"

"maybe next time?" he's struggling. air muka dah berubah. rejections.

"yeah maybe". i jawab. memang TAK la.

we shook hands. small hug. say goodbye and leave.

"see ya" he said. hantar sampai carpark gitew. gentlemen konon. pervert.

i doubt that.
i tak story kat Marissa much. konfem2 dia jelling maut kat mamat tu nanti.




balik rumah, i asked Marissa to give him back the Swatch bila jumpa kat gym besoknya.

"kenapa?" Marissa asked.
"not my type sista. adek-adek" i jawab. Marissa senyum. tanda "whatever".

i'm a classy lady. it takes more than Swatch for me to get laid. Jimmy Choo, minimum.


Love, MarkisaImran.

D8- Part 1

i was getting ready. Marissa meniarap on my bed. kaki wiggling like a puppy.

"are you sure u kenal mamat ni?" i asked.

"yeah. he's okay. your taste. body tegap. tinggi. bulu-bulu muka. bulu dada. yang pentinggggg, muka melayu" selamba badak Marissa jawab. macam broker jantan you kan.

she knew i taste kat malay penis sajork. or either brazilian. or persian. or some hot scruffy Aussie's surfer dudes. Hanry Golding pon boleh~

she met this guy. younger than her. kawan-kawan class pilates katanya. the one who doesnt look so gay at all. and few chapter of shit happens. and Marissa kenalkan kat i. Marissa memang MakHayam besar KL. gila jantan tak kenal Marissa? i ni laen la. patient coma. patient semput. patient dah nak mati. cane je nak laku.

selalu. she's my matchmaker. my date-setter. bukan the first time. as she know my jodoh harammm tak penah kekal. cakap? bunga ape je i tak penah mandi? teh bunga? bunga api? bunga telur?

i never met this guy. few chats hat FB and phonecalls. layan.

he's works with media. semua orang kenal. connections sana sini. hookups or fuckups? lets just.. give it a try.

i pakai pink dress. sleeveless. lepastu sarong my black cardigan. i let my hair loose. dengan harapan naik seri muka yang macam kuih seri muka neh.

i tak bagi dia amek kat rumah. Ma banyak tanya nanti. i cakap nak keluar jumpa kawan je. betul la kawan? kannnn. Ma still dekat umah auntie anna. i sneak out, indirectly.


"Miss Markisa, perfume apa malam ni?" Marissa pose mekap artis pondan.

"hmmm. lemme see. pewangi jenazah pun boleh" i carot.

"hish. pewangi jenazah tu nanti. Anna Sui or Britney Spears yang da nak abes ni?"

"dua dua Chi takmau. satu bau nyonya. satu bau pelachur. i need something fruity"

Marissa spray something kat leher i. and kemaskan my hair. look at my reflections through the mirror. i looked back. muka i ngan muka Marissa tak same. i rasa dia cantik. Ma slalu joking kejam "you anak jiran perhaps".


...


"takut lah" i cakap.

"takut apa? nak boyfren ke tidak?" Marissa carot.

"NAK. but do i look desperate? do i look okay?"

"everyone's deperate. but its up to you pandai cover ke tidak. you look gorgeous sayang" Marissa memandai.

siap-siap. i hug her goodbye. "thanks sayang" i said. she angguk. indirectly telling 'go now. i takde masa nak layan leleh leleh teharu. jijik'

"MARKISA!" when i tengah masuk kereta.

"what?"

"your phone, wallet segala. bawak clutch bag kosong je? motep?"

"my oh my. thanks. I NEVESSSSSS". Marissa geleng kepala.

i drove away. Marissa waved and tutup pagar rumah.


...to be continued

Ma

i don't easily feel sleepy. but i easily get asleep.

i ajak Ma pegi mall. i need to buy some shit and stuffs. maybe new shoes. i gila kasut. Ma cop kat kepala i as "The Imelda Marcos of Imran Family". well, at least i tak gila jantan.

yellow flops. plain skirt. a shirt, loose one. which i bought in Bali last year. i ponytailed my wavy hair. not with getah sayur, of course.

i tak kerja harini. few unknown number rang my phone. i tak pick it up. i biar je. tah sapa-sapa. haritu angkat, ajak phonesex. i was like, bitch please. i don't do phonesex. I'm up to the real one. tetiba. kannn. i can recognize those numbers. hospital. pergi mampus i won't pick up. its my off day.

"Ma, lapar.."

Ma angguk. senyum. urut dagu. maybe tengah fikir where to bring me to makan-makan. we passed kedai2 and terms pergi to G floor of the mall. ban yak kedai makan. but 1 place attracts me. i'm up for  sugar rush today.

i believe i'll get diabetes soon. but i tak tahan. i tarik Ma.

"lah. kata lapar? taknak makan berat ke? nasik ke?"

"Ma nak nasik ke?"

"i don't mind. i had big breakfast earlier" Ma replied.

i senyum. pegang tangan Ma. gongong masok dalam that bakery.


...




"OOOOHHHHH PATUT LA NAK MAKAN SINIIIIIIIII" Ma mildly shouted.

"Ma. shuush"

i senyum kat abang bartender tu. kachak. chinese look yang ade bulu2 muka. taste Marissa. kalau Marissa ada, habis dia borong semua pastries sini. of course, with abang ittew~

i ate some pavlova. Ma pick some lemon meringue pie. manis semacam. i don't really like it. but the latte seems to contrast the taste. not bad. kedai baru bukak. and a bit overpriced.

then i left the cafe. i paid, and the cute Ah Seng wink at me. i wink back. BOLEH. Ma tak perasann. dia dah keluar dulu. toilet, maybe.

i lalu depan gym. which i jadi member just for 2 months. senam ala-ala. lepastu i dah malas. now i got Marissa at home. and dia tak train i pun. propa propa Marissa.

i saw a beautiful gladiator sandal. kulit anak lembu katenye. i cuba. sedap. but gona be painful kalau pakai lama. tahan. NEXT GAJI.

i left the mall. i drove Ma to Auntie Anna's home kat Wangsa Maju. she nak seaman mulut sekejap. Ma macam ada society dah sans. ada je event. tupperware party, pool party, tea ceremony and such makcik-makcik thingies.


i drove home alone. i saw Marissa's car in the house yard. parking senget pompuan ni. she's a bad driver. but she's good in riding bikes.

Kiki, the fat cat underneath the car. muka kenyang. i sent Kiki untuk di-'kasi'. few weeks ago. so she won't get preggy. she's a bitch too.


only Ma wanita solehah dalam rumah. Marissa lagi la tak. i ok. sikit. blegh.


Love, MarkisaImran.

2nd death

"Kisa! BANGUN! CODE BLUE!"

ugh. i telelap atas keyboard PC nurse counter. SN Kavitha kejut. Maha Suchi Tuhan. Uncle Singh dah jalannn. baru menyumpah malam tadi. i felt guilty. anesthetist and MO rushing in and out from the room. family members flooding the waiting area.

Sister Gemuk buat2 busy. lari-lari sana sini. macam husband dia yang mati. kann.

i saw jam pukul 6.30a.m. my hair dah tebarai. getah ikat sayur putus. ganasnya i. aumm.

death. a second one for this week. mula-mula patient tua, Lung Cancer, end stage. dengan daughter yang superfussy. bukan kaya pun. Guarantee Letter company cover. that lady is so nice. thanking me and other nuses who took care of her.

well maybe masa muda dia pun bitchy macam anak dia. sickness and bala does change people personality though. but yeah.

SN Kavitha nampak lembik. macam pisang benyek. pakai nandek pun dah senget-senget. tak centre kat dahi. "Kavi, u ok?" i tanya.

"period pain"

"ugh you gona cuti for few days. sure period pain hilang punya"

Kavitha senyum. gigi putih. i rasa Kavitha kasta pariya. kalau dalam gelap, nampak gigi Kavitha je. sometimes i seram buat night shift dengan kavitha. she's like so invinsible. sweater hitam.scrubsuit dark purple. dia baik. tapi mood swing dia celaka.

Kavitha, in action. *matilaaa kene penyapu ngan aci tu

i'm taking some blood sample. hantar pegi lab. pneumatic tubing system rosak lagi. sebelum speciment i sangkut mana2, baik i hantar by hand.

"Hai cantik. abes keje kul brapa harini?" ada abang lab baju checkerboeard merah tegur.

"eh Abang Najmi, bini sihat?" i tak pandang muka dia. rasa nak tampar. thanks for the "cantik" by the way. i know oredy. keehee

"alah cantik ni. abang mana kawin lagi. abes keje kul brapa? kita pegi lunch?"

"abang. meh dekat sikit. Kisa nak bisik something"
encik tu pon dekat la telinga. bau rokok kuat. plus bau cheap deodorant. tapi telinga bersih takda lilin kuning macam shrek. selamat.




...''abang ni ensem.. kalau tak bukak mulut...tau?"
i flip my hair. libas kepala dia.


encik tu jauhkan badan dia. sengih-sengih. buat-buat tengok sample yang i hands on kat dia.

i dont date smoker. i use to smoke. but not anymore. shisha je. fefeeling mak hayam. girls night out. i hate the smell of cigarette smoke. dear men, you'll taste better if youre not smoking. *pose lickin lollipop. keji tak?

it's almost 2p.m. an hour to go to blah myself. i need to get a real shower. if u know what i mean. i still feel so kenyang as i sempat bantai hashbrowns sama muffin and some banana. so i might going to have late lunch later.

Marissa called. she's gona be back home late. too late for dinner. she got a yoga class in this evening. she's a health trainer/personal trainer. her body is nallarekek than mine. but i think she's gona bloated up macam katak kembung after she gets married.

she asked whether we gona watch some movie this friday night. i say "yes please. but not midnight movie" cukup-cukup la i jadi kupu-kupu malam. malam minggu ajak i curr. kann

Marissa kenal a guy. younger than her. typical immature guy who plays around and nothing serious about every single thing in his life. i warned Marissa. "bitch please. you're not that horny aren't you?"

ketawa badak Marissa. hilang ayu sekejap. "No! we're just friends!"

"jangan ingat i setupid ya. ingat Ravenna punya word. such pretty face will break your heart sooner or later"

i can see Marissa roll her eyes through the phone. i just know.

....


i drove home. "laaa mama dah masak? kata nak makan satay station tonight?". i bukak tudung saji. got sup ketam, sambal ikan bilis, telur dadar. "daddy mana ma?"

"Chi, pegi shower. lepastu makan sama. daddy balik lambat. Icha ada call? lepas dapat keje kat gym baru, makin less calling2 ma" she call me Chi as kecik-kecik i pelat. "maCHIsa". and Marissa jadi MarICHA. chi-cha sisters. bleh?

"ada call. balik lambat katanya"

"dah. satay kena tunggu Icha. dia yang mengidam semacam. is she pregnant or what?"

"hish Ma. err. entah?" jatoh laundry basket i dengar Ma carot Marissa.



is she? i korek her vagina malam ni. for the truth.

love, MarkisaImran

nightingale

i intai.

sister gemuk tak balik lagi. its almost 10p.m. i was like, i know you don't have husband. or at least, a scandal. but seriously, you dont really have life jugak? you got to be kidding me sistah. tu yang gajah tu.

bukannya ada kerja sangat pun. saja nak cari salah orang stay lama-lama. selalu i nampak dia tesengguk-sengguk. teringat kata dapat offer pegi Saudi kerja. mungkin Tanah Haram tak terima. so that story sangat la basi. so last year. tak pergi2 pun.

i don't really feel tired. but i rimas. rambut elok-elok bau vanilla, yang slalu anneh kedai florist kat Ground Floor selalu puji, dah bau dishwater. rambut di kepala ya. you jangan nak rape i dalam kepala you, macam Abang Dollah always did.

i tak jumpa my sister, Marissa, today. she didn't call or text. but i nampak bejalan je tweet nya. itu tanda dia belum mati. syukur. malam ni pun tak call mama lagi...

"MARKISA! ape ke menung tu!"

sial Kak Ros. hah kan dah mencarut. Kak Ros senior staff nurse. cantik. ada eye bag pun cantik. boobies dia sexy. umur dah 40-an. i wish i possessed such boobs. boobs i ala-ala je. sangat tak besyukur kan? skali kena unilateral mastectomy, baru nak nanges "pulangkan tetek i pleaseee". kann.

"takde ape la Kak Ros. Kisa bosan"

"tu patient room 312 ring the bell. akak annoying denga, ko boleh tak prasan"

ugh. uncle bilik 312. every half an hour main loceng. mintak air la. mintak urinal la. nasib baik tak mintak apam balik ke, mengidam kuih akok ke.

operation hidung je kut. buat nosejob. lelaki obsess dekat kesantekkan. i tengok pre-operation, takde apa fault or impairment pun. gatal nak buat hidung. now bengkak macam babi tonyok i tengok. lelaki tak buat nosejob ya. hanya blowjob. kalau tak, bukan lelaki.

"Misi, i tak jumpa remote tv la. susah nak tidur. bising."

i nampak ada je remote sebelah flask air. hidden.

"ok encik. biar saya settle"

i cabut plug tv. gelap terus bilik. uncle tu diam.

"goodnight uncle"

harap tak main loceng dah lepasni.

i miss the pasar malam again tonight. mengidam lompat tikam. sampai mimpi Marissa makan sorang-sorang depan i. i wish she choked and die, at that very moment. i just miss my sister.

i dudk balik depan PC nurse counter. PC ni je boleh bukak facebook. merewang carik "Pengganti". haih. comel-comel semua gayboy. macho-macho semua suami orang. kaya-kaya semua tua kutuk.

"Kisa, akak nak bongkang sekejap dalam pantry. ko cover sikit akak eh. Materon Badak dah balik"

Kak Ros nampak penat. "go lah Kak. Kisa tak ngantuk"

its half pass midnight.

i still tak kira lagi drug stock dalam DDA store. i take off my socks, tie up my hair, wash my face. i need a haircut. but i love my long hair.

i nampak SN Kavitha keluar masuk room 317. uncle singh umur 98. "tak jalan lagi orang tua ni" dalam hati. singh susah nak mati. panjang umur. i wonder why. nak becakap pun susah, ape lagi nak makan. pity him. i pray to god, bukan mintak umur panjang, tapi sihat, lepastu terus mati. tak sakit. boleh?

3 night nurse handling 10 rooms. buruh kasar sangat i. i took vitagen dalam fridge pantry. i nampak Kak Ros dah tegolek atas sofa. baju Kak Ros tesingkat. nampak pusat dengan tali spender pink. i think its just La Senza. teringat promotion bra and panties 2 pair for RM100. tetiba. i cover her with blanket. bedengkur Kak Ros.

sedut-sedut vitagen malam-malam. i dont feel like eating. i end up my syif at 3pm tomorrow. i might gona cook something. ajak mama pergi Tesco. beli prawns.

Dr Azam MO oncall malam ni. muda. richass. tapi dah agak pulau kat kepala. i tak taste. kurang testosterone perhaps.

Love, MarkisaImran

haze. still there.

i had a very late lunch today. that patient, an auntie. yenna yenni. i was sponging her. cuci je, cirit, cuci saja, cirit balik. i was like, can i just put a buttplug? heh. itu bisikan syaitan di telinga i saja. ade few ekor bisik2.

i fikir, nanti i tua jugak. somebody's gona wipe my buttock too. i didn't realize tercalit sikit some blood on my scrub suit. i was like, 'nasib baek tak pegi canteen with such keaiban'. nanti pakcik guard gatal kat valet counter sengih miang lagi kat i.

"hi Mar, pegi mana tu? cafe ke?"

i pun muncung bibir tunjuk kat signboard "To Staff Cafeteria".

i senyum.

"hi abang dollah. tak lah. pegi Masjid Jamek" i flip my hair. terus jalan laju-laju. gatal urut2 misai. mesti tengah rape i dalam his imagination.

i teringat kes ade orang nampak Abang Dollah si pak guard ni pukul bini kat parking lot B3. i was like, machonye abang dollar with army-haircut badan tough, tapi pukul bini? no no no bad BAD Abang Dollah. i would like to see you in cerebral stroke condition, lepastu siapa yang bela you. its either your wife or nobody baby. so please. respect.

i continue jalan. i know i shouldn't wear heels on wednesday. its pasar malam day too yaw. i left my sneakers in Marissa's car.

its 3 o'clock. there's nothing much left, edible, in the cafe. period.

Kak Ram betembung dengan i. Kak Ram keje attendant. ward bersalin dulu. sekarang tukar chemotherapy. janda anak ramai.

"Markisa! lama akak tak nampak ko. kurusnye kau! dah kawen?"

"hehe belum. boyfren pun takde la Kak Ram"

"alah ko drama! cuba ko catwalk depan emergency tu, ramai je MO teliur"

i malas nak melarat. Kak Ram kaki bawak mulut. i jawab,

"i jalan depan mortuary, mayat hidup balik kak, lari nampak i. Kisa nak cepat ni. food dah habis. nak kena beli kat luar. Kisa jalan dulu ya"

i senyum. lengan baju dah tetas. Marissa wash my baju tak masok dalam net bag. so do my previous lingerie. dah tetas-tetas benang salahkan my cats.

i walk out from the hospital building. pergi nearby kedai melayu kelantan. i jumpa Thanam, my college friend masa belajar dulu. berkilat natural rambut aci ni. jeles. ajak did makan. tak sedap takde gang kan.

oooh. harini abang hot ada. rasanya lagi muda dari i. goatee sejemput yang sexy. tapi takkan nak panggil dik kan. maruah oh maruah.

"Abang, carrot susu satu kurang manis. nasi gorang ayam satu, pedas". Thanam makan nasi lauk. abang klate senyum2. kenapa? muka i ada panau ke? cecepat i keluar cermin. oh clear. rambut je serabai.

Kisa balik ward. sister gemuk still there.

"SN Markisa. please kira all the DDA for stock take this month"

tak payah la jerit. i tau kerja i. i senyum. angguk. "Sister tak balik lagi?"

"Hmmmm" dia jawab. dengan tarik muka bulldog dia. well, fuck you. jangan sampai i, adelah nurse yang cebuk punggung you, sistah. i pakai cuka getah nanti.

ngantuk. saya kerja sampai besok till 5.


Love, MarkisaImran

entrée

for some reason. i tak dapat kira dah. hari keberapa dah i dump jantan tu. well well well. it's more than worth it baby. sunyi tu iya. takde dah mesej good morning. good night. terbiasa. its just a habit. not really my nature pun. gedik wanita akhir zaman. alah. you pon gedik bole tahan kan? boyfren moyfren segale.

"jantan tu yang sangap. semua salah dia. bleh? LOL. i ok je. do not play with my heart baby. Markisa Imran worth more than that. i bukan lego. uno pon bukan. kad old maid pon bukan. batu seremban lagi la tidak. " kannn akak dah pre menopos tak pasal.

dua puluh tujuh hanya angka. i rasa muda remaja balik.

move on move on.

anggap saja i start tulis blog nih, dan isi haramjadah yang akan datang, untuk menunjukkan, bahawa Markisa Imran did get away, move on, and satu hari nanti, akan dapat Tan Sri. kannnn... tak ke you gila. no no nombor dua. ingat tu~



Love, MarkisaImran