Benjol

MASHA'ALLAH MARKISA!

i rase orang gegar-gegar badan i. eh? i tengah kene rogol ke ni? i kedip mata. sikit2. lampu terang sangat. ade ke orang kene rogol dalam terang ni?

"MARKISA! BANGUN! YOU OKAY KE TAK NI?". amboi. capslock bagai. yelah. dah orang jerit kan.

i gosok mata. eh? asal melekit? putih-putih fluid habis kene rambut. ah sudah! but it smells good. fruity.

"oh sister tipah. what happen la?" i asked.

sistter panggil the health attendants tolong angkat i, sandarkan kat sofa. check my vital sign segala. my blood pressure is very low. electrolytes imbalance.

"i jumpa you baring kat tepi fridge sambil pegang yoghurt! i thot you were dead! or murdered" sister cakap kuat2. sakit telinga i.

oh. yoghurt ke yang tumpah percik atas kepala i tu? ingatkan apa.

ouch.

benjol. left temporal site. boleh rasa. dah macam tumbuh tanduk.

"are you okay markisa? i heard you took other nurses punya nightshift! do you get enough rest?"

err. this is my 6th night double shift sister..

"are you gila ka ape? you tau tak. you bukan boleh endanger your life, but this will affect your patients bla bla bla bla bla bla"

now i remember. i felt too hungreh. i pi pantry nk amek food. and yoghurt was in my grip. then blackout.

i tarok the ice packs on the site. baju scrub habis kene yoghurt. macam susu badan pulak. xpasal.

sister send me to ED.

yeah.

i've overworked. tetambah period. collapse. dalam pantry. sik baik x collapse tengah berak.

MO tanya nak admit ke tak? i say no. i got MC instead. 2 days.

i called Pa. he fetched me home. i didnt tell him la that i tegolek sebelah fridge.


i wish i had a boyfie now.
bleh tolong pegang icepacks. gituh.


love, MarkisaImran

the letter i found

it has been awhile. since my last post.

motep upload gamba pelamin? no no no. ni bukan pelamin i~ verangan~

as i get myself busy. and partially, a good rehab. loosen some weight. getting active in my pilates and yoga club again. i travel here and there. alone. but never feel lonely.

Markisa Imran is fine. stronger than ever. she never needed anyone to love her much pun. the hatred of missing someone who never gives a fuck bloomed out inside herself.

as i can remember, my last post was in August kan? ala. lets say, i was just in a deep rehab. dengan Ma and Pa. ape? Marissa ape cerita? ala. she's around. sebok ngan bisnes baru. now personal training is just a side jobs for her. insurance advisor lagi masyuk nampaknya. biarkaannn


anyway. as i kemas2 bilik. after balek double night syif, which consumed my strength for too much. getting promoted was not really a good thing after all. yes. call me Sister now. HAHAH.

ok sambung. masa kemas2 tu. you all tau i jumpa ape? the last breakup letter. cetorrrrrrr petir memori datang balek. every old soundtrack automatically played in my mind. yes. i left this letter, just before i left his house.

you mampu tulis2 surat? well i'm a bit traditional here. bagi dia konon2 psycho la dengan whatever things i left behind. instead, he gave everything back to me via pos laju. sial itu jantan.

isi kandung surat ittew? ala. i dah get over it. i just wanna share my thoughts and memory je. untuk you all tak jadik bodoh.

My dear Kay,

I have tried to think of hundred ways to begin this letter. This is one simple way. I love you. And as important, i have never love anyone like this again.

You are not only my lover, but my closest friend. i'll never want or need anyone else ever again. I rejoice at the thought of spending the rest of my life with you, and wonder how i deserve to be so lucky.

I want three daughters and two sons and i must warn you that i won't settle for less. we'll discuss bout this, if there's a chance, later. i fear i'll be irascible and tiresome in old age, but i'll never stop loving you...

but i guess not. i guess, that particular unlucky bitch wont be me. av fun living you life. god bless you. kirim salam emak & ayah.  


xoxoxox
your rotten 'Pumpkin"


i koyak the letter to small pieces, and campurkan dalam my hamster bedding wood shaving.

and some other stuff?

red angry bird plush toy? gave em to my cats.
books and stuff? ala2 koleksi tarok inside my mini library.
dresses and shoes? gila i x pakai? bodoh la kalu buang~

Beautiful people do not just happen.

i dont know whether i should write this.
i'm not sure. whether it gona make me look stupid. or overreacted. or just plain stupid.

blog i. biar la i nak royan ke, nak tulis suicide notes ke apa. kann.

it has been almost 100 days. i kira. from the great brakups with Kay. kerja gila.

well, maybe uols tak faham. about the concept of first true love. the silly promise of "not to love anybody else after him". about other promises.

i've given my all.
being a cook.
a companion.
a good nurse.
a teacher.
a step-mother.
a great pet keeper. yeah. we had cats together.

Marissa marah. with the concept of "keep on looking at his page, DAILY". yes. i miss him. everyday. Marissa tepek kepala i. and said "well its your choice. to delete, or not to delete". betul. its my choice. to forget.

every single moment. is so fresh. from the first meeting. first sight.. till the moment of me walking away. i know i do sound weak. losing my grip. sanity lari habis. but it happens when my head lari from great distractions.

work, is the best distractions.

i think i've been working too much. i did many night shift. double shifts. on-call. house-calls. locums. and i started to bake again. selling pastries for family and friends during bulan puasa haritu. work makes me forget benda2 leceh ni.

and end up im under painkillers. painkillers gona shut down my kidneys sooner or later. renal failure leads to death.

overthinking tetiba.


and for Kay now. gundik baru dia cantik. Markisa kalah dalam bab-bab stylista, ke-SKII-an muka, and tahap kemanjaan.

he doesnt know the beauty itself will hurt him badly than i can do, with my blue paring knife.

OVERRRRRREACTED. ladies. im not that psychotic.

i'm not blaming myself of not being smokin hawt ke apa. but it's a pity. that's always seemed so ridiculous to me, that people want to be around someone because they're pretty. it's like picking your breakfeast cereals based on color instead of taste

again. im not blaming myself tak melaram. i'm a nurse. not a stewardess. like Marissa. yeah she's an ex Malaysian Airlines cabin crew. before she decided gatal nak jadik personal trainer. make-up Marissa semua i la tibai. kikiki

as for Kay now. happy. moved on. apa dia kesah. kan.chill. Markisa royan sekejap ja. lepas amek dadah, Markisa okay. giteww

oscar wilde punya quotes. gini bunyiknya.

"Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping."

you ingat i kerja macam gila carik duit, i nak simpan beli tanah wakaf?
no no no baby.

i nak transform.

young CEO, kerabat raja, crown prince of dubai.

i deserve a young hawt CEO. with good, high class, husband material in him. if look does matter, so be it. 

cuz i know. whenever i feel life sucks, i'd remember i'm going to die someday. and yes baby, i'm gona die in glory. and satisfactions. i can only note that the past is beautiful because one never realises an emotion at the time. it expands later, and thus we don't have complete emotions about the present, only about the past.

the more i royan. the more sane i'd be. the stronger i get.

so girls. no worries. no judgement to be done. its just more like an expression. than a deep depression.

i think i'm changing my field of studies. to forensic science.
shhh. i tak bagitau Ma lagi. Pa mesti tekejut. Marissa takut ulat.

Bulu je tau. hmm.

Strong Love, MarkisaImran

Blessed Ramadhan

omg. kalau blog ni daging fresh.

dah tinggal tulang. ulat pun takdak dah.

lamanya tak update. i busyyyyyy.

busy la sangat.

i'm in my hijrah mode. ramai kawan dah berhijab sekarang. oooops i taknak sentuh bab hijab. nanti kena caras. tunggu i khatam usuluddin & fiqh dulu. dan tasauf. baru i tak tulis benda2 bodoh. baru orang tak bole kitai. hee

anyways. orang puasa. company antar i pegi post basic jejaoh. bangkok ya. land of thai. bukan dekat2 pekan semabok. atau batu pahat tempat Bulu. i think i've lost kilos of my lovely fats semata2 attend kursus buduh tu ja. oh penat.

tiada male nurse hot. ada yennayenni sorang yang bulu dia... macam abang Bachan.


exam nye pass. yay. flying colors. sake kata girls with artificial grey hair has no brain? awassssss ya. exam, exam jugak. orang study, i tengok kungfu panda 2. orang study, i layan Facebook.

fb ni agak puaka ya.

ibarat satu havang taste dan ketak separa bogel baring depan you, pastu senyum. gila buku, pen, liquid paper segala tak dicampak kelaot? oh i tak tahan. begitulah fb begitu dekat dihati i. oh oh loy loy khratong~


orang mesti tanya. kenapa x update pegi solat terawih ka, x bayar fitrah ka, x sedekah jariah, x masok nasyeed peringkat daerah segala. itu urusan i dengan Tuhan i. ingat, women yang baik tidak judge diri theyols baik.

dah nak hujung2 romadhon, baru i update yaa.

semalam i pegi jalan TAR. pegi dengan Marissa. banyaknyaaa. mata keranjang.

bukan nak beli ape sangat pun. pukul dua pagi yaa. masih meriah ala2 baru bukak. baju2 murah. Ma cakap nak tudung. nampak kualiti macam tak helok ja. xpela Ma. nanti kite pegi carik kat Fareeda. bole Ma fefeeling mak datin pagi raya nanti ya.

songket Pa? Pa pakai jubah arab ja pagi raya. pose Sultan Kelantan katanya. zuhud. my oh my.

i sedondon dengan Marissa. kaler pepel. kain beli kat Gulatis. nak tau betapa cunnye weols? tunggu la gamba raya yaa~


buat cookies hey. i dapat less on call bebulan puasa ni. tapi raya i kerja. hmm~


love, MarkisaImran

Transferred. to hell.

boleh tak. i dysmenorrhea today. heavy flow. its like having Tom growling in my uterus and Jerry dalam my fallopian tube. kena dengan i balek pukul 3. tak tunggu, tak pandang belakang, i terus drive balek.

tapi sebelum tu. dalam locker room.

Sister Saodah datang. tapping my shoulder. "Markisa, i rasa you tak lama la sini"

hah dah kenapaa. heels i kah? kaler rambut i kah? x pasal kena fired neh. kena transfer pegi Hospital Gila Tampoi kah? yang lebih sesuai untok i? ke i naek jadik CNO (Chief Nursing Officer)? ke sister saodah mimpi i meninggal lagi 2-3 kali jumaat?

there's a lot of questions lingering in my mind made tu you know. dah la Sister Saodah cakap slow. sangat slow-mo, sampai dalam fractions of second tu i dah jadi paranoid.


"apsal Sister?"

i tengah tanggal sanggul lintang depan cermin locker. sambil-sambil tengok gambar koleksi-koleksi ex i dekat inner side of my locker door. ada 3 bekas jembalang sajork. lambang cinta sejati katanya. habis emua dah kena conteng muka. takda la jalang sangat i ni pun sebenanyaa kann. yang laen semua gambar channing tatum, mcdreamy, mcsteamy, kellan lutz, abang Thor, remy ishak, dan havang Redza, husband Irma Hasmie as my new collection. matilaa. hee

i love your abs. with all my heart.

"next august you'll be transferred" sister saodah cakap english bunyik jawa la.

"transfer mana la sister? i did apply for transfer. tiga tempat. emergency, daycare ngan cathlab. i dapat mana sister?"


"nah ko bace la sendirik" choyyy. tadi punya la saspen nak bagitahu. tepuk kepala karang.

i thanked sister. and she walk away. with jalan yang penoh attitude. i didn't noticed rambut dia serabai today. its like she just habis having sex with Dr Shiva. yang dia adore sangat tu. sebab muka macam Amitabh Bachan. bitch, please.


"Markisa Binti Ahmad Imran, hereby you'll be transferred to INTENSIVE CARE UNIT bla bla bla starting from 1st of September 2012".- simplified.

i was like. mintak lain, dapat lain. are you freaking kidding me? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING MEEEEEE?! ICU???!!!!

my dream of settling down, duduk lepak kat daycare, cathlab, balek from 9-5 hancur. i rasa nak hantuk kepala dekat locker. i should have stay je dekat ward without mintak transfer. tapi, sebab i classy, i takde la hantuk.

i called Marissa instead. lepastu i called Bulu. lepastu whatsapp Kavi.

semua cakap "You'll be fine"

fukimawati yaa yuols.

i called Ma. lepastu Pa jadik mangsa.

Ma suruh try dulu. suara Ma memang pengubat. sakit ape sekali pun sembuh. betul2 punca syurga.

nanti nak tanya HR. who's the asshole yang messed up with my application neh. dasar sabotaj.

i end up keluar from the hospital around 4pm. jalan jem yaa.


sesampai rumah. dengan uniform2, dengan socks2, i terus terjon tesembam atas my bed.

Cik Saerah tukar cadar takbest. she's our house keeper. dating daily to kemas rumah and everything. Ma do the cooking while she buat everything. but she didn't live with us. rumah dia dekat je.

cadar baru. miang sikit.
but then, i golek2. lelap terus.


Ma kejut. taruk kucing on my head.

"pukul berapa ni Maaaaaaa.." i yawned.

"6.30. jom pegi pasar malam. Ma malas masak malam ni. Pa suroh beli ayam goreng uncle bob la, char kueteow la, kuih akok laa.."

"motif kejot Kisa pakai kucing?" i ikat rambut. masuk2 mulut dah rambut.


"saja. i was thinking about a water spray. tapi i takot you suffocates. nanti tinggal Marissa sorang je anak Ma" selamba. "cepat sikit siap" she added. eleh. dia pun pakai baju kelawar lagi.

half an hour. is all i need.
takda la propa sangat nak dressed up. mandi. pakai baju. pasar malam je pun.

i grabbed my black legging. my pink gym tank top. and my black cardigan labuh.
period pain kurang. maybe i memang tak cukup rest.

...


end up borong macam2.

Pa balik. i showed him my transfer letter. he said "you'll be fine" too.

i end up biar je. malas nak fikir.
was watching insidious movie for kali ke berapa ntah.
Ma memang propa tutup2 muka dengan kain pelikat Pa. romantic hey? GET A ROOM!

Marissa tak balek lagi. hadup mati dia i tak tahu.
tapi macam biasa, twitternya jalan laju je. hidup lah tuu.




like really? ICU....
cane nak carik bf nehh...

husband-material. if you know what i mean. :p

love, MarkisaImran

The Sexual Harassment of Dato' Z: Part 3 - drastic end

i went for a manicure and pedicure today. sorang. dekat Lembah Tengah. i kerja syif malam. so petang-petang i tak kuasa la nak tidur dulu ke, melepek depan TV while doing nothing. my back hurts bila baring lama-lama.

i wore a skinny jeans. plain pink tees with some red stripes. my lovely gladiator flats. necklace Kay bagi. Marissa cuckup menyampah i pakai pendant tu. but it goes well with my hair. harini takmau ikat. i lepas je.

oh teringat Kay dah add i balek dekat Facebook. you're so immature. playing hide and seek yaa. i'm not interested in your game. so i campak dia dalam pending list. horny lah tu.

so yeah. pergi kedai cina biasa dekat 4th floor depan kedai Hinode.

"hai. i nak buat my nails. Margie ada?"

Margie tu filipinos. kerja bagus. bersih. tak macam jinjang2 yang ada. masing2 kuku syaithonnn panjang. i geli bleh? korek2 hidung, selet2 tahi berak pakai tisu ja. i tak boleh. eventhough i kerja buat benda-benda tu, tapi... ugh. u know what i mean.


"halo amoi. Margie takda. sulah balek firipin. lai la. i do you good oso meh"

tetau je amoi jinjang neh i takmau dia buat. ngan rambut karat dengan fringe. dengan piercing. dengan tank-tube. tapi tetek takda. aaaa shibuya-doll yang epic failed.

buat lah. i tutup mata je. cepat-cepat buat. cepat-cepat habis.

Auntie Chom kata nak datang malam ni. bawak cucu dia. Aunti Chom tu Ma punye elder sister. kaki cikpat. semua orang tak betul. soalan yang common bila jumpa i "bila nak kawen". i fakap. tu sebab i mintak Sister kerja syif malam ni. a sweet escape.

"amoi, mau buat color kuku tak? ada promotion hari ini ya"

i was thinking my period's gona end dalam 2-3 hari lagi. tak sempat nanti kena bleach pulak.

"takmau. polish je sampai kilat"

"fish spa takmau ah amoi?" dia tanya lagi.

"TAKMAU. geli." teros i bukak magazine. tak layan. semua nak promot pulak aihhh.

kuat bau colok. ngan telur pindang. ngan bau ginseng. i gesek hidung sampai merah-merah. i think my toner dah lari. nampak macam berpanau. i need to touch up later.

i dapat msg whatsapp from SN Kavi.

"hey babe. your dato' gatal dead oredy. Dr Killer killed him! with a lung biopsy!"

i was like.
innalillah?

maut datang tak kenal waktu. never terlambat. never tercepat.
dalam my mind, still teringat Dato' tu gulung2 misai dia sambil tengok i. lalu belakang i, siap bau2 rambut i. nightmare. banyak lagi. i takmau aib lebih.

i keluarkan a flattened dull smile. angkat bahu. roll my eyes.

then i pergi beli takoyaki dekat Jusco bawah. sesambil cuci mata tengok ah seng comel dekat booth kedai camera. hik.


MAAAAAAAAAROBBUKAAAAAA YAAA DATOKKKKKKK. GEDEBAKKKKK!!! bleh?


love, MarkisaImran.

The Sexual Harassment of Dato' Z: Part 2 - cobaan pertama

all depression has its root in self-pity.
and all self-pity is rooted in people taking themselves too seriously.

maaf lama tak nulis.
banyak kerja. komitmen. post-basic exam.
mungkin i kena transfer pergi ICU. hidup dalam private sector memang macam bola. kena tendang tanduk segala.

seminggu i tak naik ward. seminggu juga macam jumpa tak jumpa Marissa. balik rumah Ma dah tidur, keluar rumah, Ma dah keluar. Pa pun sama.

i feel older than my age. tengok cermin. ada kedut2 mata. and eye bags MasyaAllah. panda.

kerja emergency lagi harini.
naek ward to send some GL and stuffs.


i heard someone suwit2. you know how it sounds like kan? ala masa sekolah2 dulu macam tak pernah kena suwit2. ke you tak hot enough? hihi.

i toleh.

hamagad. Dato Z. tengah urut urut janggut.

"Hai misi. lama tak jumpa. i selalu turun bawah cari you. tak jumpa. mana pergi?"

SN Kavi pandang i yang tengah buat2 pekak. "shhh Kavi jangan sebok" i bisik.
Kavi senyum. putihnyaa gigi.

i senyum. tak reply.

"balik sabah yaa?" dato's tanya. elok je dia dudok dekat waiting lounge denga drip2 tu.

I BUKAN ORANG SABAH LA. i pinoy ja. BLEH.


"ada la datok. busy sikit" i jawab. dengan kening sebelah diangkat.

i nampak bodyguard dia ada dekat sebelah. pandang2. cucuk mata ngan needle 25G karang. takpasal.

tiba2 dato' jerit. dah kenapa plak kann. i tengok tangan dia bleed. branula tecabot.
i rasa dia saje2 cabot.

"misi! meh sini! tolong!" bodyguard dia panggil i suroh tengok. sama je gatal.


sorry i tak kerja sini. i kerja Emergency. BOLEH?

i panggel Kavi the Black Widow.

Dato' cebik bibir. sebab Kavi yang repair branula dia. ehh i tak kuasa la?




yes. Kavi cakap dia saja2 cabut. sebab nak suruh i datang dekat.
takpe. lain kali, i panggel Sister Saodah pasang branula baru. baru dia tau kenapa Sister Saodah kawen 3-4 kali.


dear Dato'. lung cancer dah merebak yaa. ingat2 kubur please.

i kerja double harini. nak makan kambing. nak nak. lambchops ya Marissa.